4. Preparing for Your Wedding Night: For the Couple with Prior Sexual Experiences
So both of you relate with this description, and now you’re entering into your marriage. What do you do to leave behind old memories and habits and establish a new, healthy, whole sexual relationship together? How do you become unified in such a personal area when you’ve both established bonds and memories apart from each other?
The preparations outlined here are for a couple in which both people have significant prior sexual experiences. I use the word “significant” here, because most of us go into marriage with some level of exposure. Sexual experiences are not black and white. They exist on a vast spectrum from no exposure at all to masturbation and/or pornography use to diverse sexual activity with multiple partners, and everything in between.
Identifying where you fall on this spectrum is not about a label, a degree of severity, or a certain sexual act. Instead, it’s about understanding what has impacted you and what will likely impact your marriage so you can establish a healthy and unified sexual relationship together.
These steps of preparation will help you create a meaningful and positive wedding night and establish positive dynamics in your marriage and sexual relationship.
You may feel like you’re in a really healthy place already: secure in your relationship, comfortable with your sexuality, and at peace with the past. On the other hand, you might have relational concerns, disconnection or dysfunction related to your own sexuality, or pain connected to the past. Take a quick moment to reflect on where you feel on a scale of 1-10 in these 3 areas:
Security in your relationship
Comfort-level with your own sexuality
Peace regarding the past
Keep this in mind as you work through this guide, and ask yourself how you could use each step to increase your security, comfort level, or peace.
Before:
1. Detox from mindsets, messages, and beliefs that don’t serve you well, and establish new ones.
You’ve received lots of messages throughout your life that have influenced the mindsets and beliefs you’ve developed about sex. They may have come from a number of sources including parents, siblings, peers, romantic relationships, school, church, and media. Some of them you may be aware of, but others are unconscious. Some of them may be true and constructive, and others are probably not. You’ve acted out these beliefs and mindsets in your past experiences and relationships, and you will continue to until you identify them. Destructive beliefs and mindsets about sex and sexuality result in destructive behaviors and patterns. Identifying them gives you back the power and opportunity to address these mindsets and choose truth. Then you can carry beliefs that are helpful and true into your marriage and use them as a foundation for positive patterns and dynamics.
Write down the sources you have received information, education, or messages from about sex and sexuality
Write down what you learned or were told from each source
Talk together about whether or not you agree with each message, and what is true
If you have any lingering questions, mindsets, or information you’re not sure about, write them down or highlight them. Take them to a trusted mentor or quality source of information to reconcile this information.
Affirm your beliefs and reiterate truths that will serve you well. Do this internally with yourself, and verbally with each other.
It is extremely helpful to reset together by establishing new, healthy mindsets on marriage that the two of you share. One great resource is a book by Dr. Juli Slattery called “God, Sex, and Your Marriage.” Reading and discussing this together will create a foundation to build your sex life on that is grounded in life-giving truth.
2. Plan ahead for celebration
Your wedding night is a celebration of your marriage, and of a beautiful new start together. You probably included personal elements and traditions in your wedding ceremony and reception. What would it look like to carry this over into your first sexual experiences together too? What elements, traditions, or little ceremonies could be part of these experiences? What will you do to make your first sexual experiences together meaningful?
Here are some ideas and examples:
Write a letter to one another reflecting on the unique things you appreciate about each other, what you want to build together overall in your marriage and specifically in your sex life, and the feelings for each other you want to express through your sexual relationship. Reiterate the commitment you’re making to each other in marriage, your loyalty, and your decision to create this unique and special bond together.
Pray together thanking God for his restoration and renewal, for this new and unique relationship, and ask for his blessing over your marriage and sex life
Prepare affirming statements you can express to your spouse verbally or in writing
Bring a small jar or box, slips of paper, and something to write with. Start adding to the jar after your first sexual experiences together. As you discover each other and build memories sexually, write down what you love about each other’s bodies, favorite moments, memories, or experiences, things you discover you enjoy together, and new things you learn about each other. Add to it over time if you want to, and come back to it now and again to reflect on the bond and intimacy you’re creating together. This jar will hold all the little pieces that create your sexual intimacy, and represent your history and your unique relationship. This jar holds countless wonderful things only the two of you share.
Come up with your own ideas together for how to make this time meaningful as a celebration of your marriage and a symbol of your loyalty, commitment, and new start.
3. Plan ahead for triggers
If you’ve developed habits from your past that you worry will be difficult to break, or if there are things that you think might activate difficult feelings or responses for you, plan ahead. Plan your evening and set your environment in a way that anticipates and minimizes triggers, and sets this apart as a new and positive relationship and experience.
This might mean making purposeful decisions about your environment and considering certain lighting, positions, activities, or other things that may be associated with negative experiences for you.
If you have concerns about associations that will trigger unwanted behaviors, thoughts, or images, pay attention and listen to that feeling. It may take a little more time and intentional effort to rewire your brain and body. Seek the support you need and be kind to yourself and each other in this process. If you’ve already identified some triggers, seek support ahead of time. If you’re not sure or things pop up that you didn’t anticipate as you become sexually active with one another, stay aware of your mind (thoughts), body, and spirit (emotions) as you engage in sexual activity together. Notice your responses and seek support accordingly.
4. Establish expectations
Talk together about what you’d like out of your evening or first sexual experiences together. You may have completely different expectations for this time or assumptions based on your prior experiences. View this as a completely fresh start. You don’t know how it’ll go. You don’t know how you will respond. You don’t know how your spouse will respond. You’re learning together.
Here are some questions you can talk through:
What would make you feel connected in our first sexual experiences?
What elements would you like to be part of this time?
What things might be important to stay away from for now?
How do you want me to initiate with you?
What does initiation look like for you?
A “yes, no, maybe” list might also be helpful to start with. Talking through a list like this can help establish what you’re both comfortable with, find new things to try together, and identify things you want to stay away from that could be triggering or negative. I would recommend finding one online rather than making it yourself, so that it doesn’t turn into a list of the things you’ve been exposed to or experienced. You’re simply identifying what you do or don’t want to do moving forward with each other.
Find a list online and print it off or copy it down on paper
Use a different colored writing utensil for each of you to mark off your answers on each item; y = yes, I want to do or try this; n = no, I don’t want to do or try this; m = maybe, I’m not sure yet if I’d like to do or try this.
Compare what you’re both comfortable with, uncomfortable with, and where you differ
Don’t worry about negotiating every single item you differ on right now. Focus on where you’re both comfortable and designate some things you can start with together and take note of what is off the table for now
5. Process your past together and remember, there is nothing you “should” or “shouldn’t” feel
Be fully transparent, open, and up front with your spouse about your background. This will build trust and bring inner conflicts to the surface where they can be resolved. Be willing to answer questions, but remember that details aren’t helpful. Too many details or references to your past experiences can create painful images for your spouse and make them feel alienated, compared, self-conscious, or alone. Be a safe place for them to process this if it does happen and be understanding.
If you feel at peace with the past and ready for a fresh start together, that’s great. There’s nothing you should feel pressured to feel. However, if you have complicated feelings arising, there’s nothing right or wrong about that either. Emotions are simply information and indicators that there is something to pay attention to, and parts of you that are asking for care. Honor the feelings that are surfacing for you and have as many conversations about this as you need to feel understood and at ease.
A great tool for this is the Core Emotion Wheel. View instructions and download it for free here: https://www.connectioncodes.co/wheel
This tool can be used to talk about all 8 of your core emotions regularly, but can also be used with specific focus on your feelings about your wedding night or sex life:
Anger - is there any anger that comes up for you when you think about your sexual relationship? Where is it coming from?
Hurt - are there any painful feelings you experience when you think about sex? What is causing them?
Sad - is there any sadness you feel regarding your sexual relationship? What are you sad about?
Lonely - is there any loneliness you feel when you think about your sexual relationship? What is the loneliness about?
Guilt - do you feel any guilt surrounding sex? What do you feel guilty about?
Shame - is there any shame for you? What about yourself are you feeling ashamed of?
Fear - do you have any fears, worries, concerns, or anxieties about the wedding night or your sexual relationship? What are you afraid of?
Joy - what joy is coming up for you about the wedding night and your future sex life? What are you excited about and looking forward to?
You might not feel every single one of these, but it’s important to talk about any of them that are present. Any of them that go unspoken can create a barrier to your intimacy. Acknowledging the hard feelings that are involved can feel scary, but processing them together is what will move you toward more connection and healing.
As you take turns talking, listen attentively and ask questions to understand what your spouse is sharing. Check with them to make sure they feel understood, and ask them what you can do together to address anything significant they have brought up.
As you both exercise transparency with your feelings, make your relationship a safe place for both of you to be in process and wrestle with the complexities of sex and life.
During and After:
1. Hold expectations loosely
You may have expectations for what your body will do and how it will respond based on your past experiences, but sexuality is dynamic. For example, there may be pain you never had before, or physical response or arousal you feel disconnected from that you used to be able to access. On the flip side, you might find that things that were difficult for you before now come easy. Stay curious and attentive to yourself.
You may also have expectations for your spouse. Name your assumptions and then let them go. It can be damaging to project how you think your spouse will or should respond or experience based on your past. Instead, make up your mind to learn your spouse inside and out, and be attentive to their feelings and experiences, knowing they are unique.
You may want to plan a discovery activity as one of your first sexual experiences together. It’s like a reset where you can start from scratch together. This activity will involve slowing down and engaging in whole-body touching to discover each other’s bodies, the kinds of touch that are pleasurable for you to give, and the kinds of touch that are pleasurable for you to receive. There are several great resources out there to lead you through an exercise like this. Reach out if you’d like more details.
2. Be prepared to create new patterns with one another and free yourselves of comparisons
There is no room for images or thoughts of someone else in your new marriage. Process what comes up for you and do the work to replace them with thoughts, memories, and experiences with your spouse. Be intentional with trying new things together, learning your new spouse, breaking bad habits, and discovering your own unique traditions, likes, dislikes, and preferences.
Every relationship has ups and downs, pros and cons. Be aware of the comparison trap. If there are ways things went more smoothly or came more easily in previous relationships, don’t narrow your focus to your spouse. Understand there are many factors at play and work on problem-solving with your spouse and building positive experiences and connections.
Be ready to redeem negative things in your new marriage as well. If one of you has a negative association with a certain kind of touch or sexual activity, process through the feelings involved. Next, repeat truth to one another. If this is an activity you’d like to enjoy together, reclaim it. It might sound something like this:
“This is ours to enjoy. Our sexual relationship is new and unique and blessed by God. We are learning each other, and will continue changing and learning together through our lifetime together. In our marriage, we have the joy of discovering and enjoying one another’s bodies. This activity is connecting and pleasurable to us and bonds us to one another. Our marriage is a safe place to enjoy this. Our minds and hearts are set on each other. Our bodies are for each other. We always have the choice in giving and receiving with one another.”
3. Continue to talk about your sexual intimacy
Create a norm for talking as things come up. This could mean setting aside regular times to check in about things, or creating a go-to phrase you use to let one another know you have something to bring up. I have created a tool you can use to brings things up together and talk through the different parts of your sex life. Get in touch if you’d like me to get you set up with that resource.
View yourselves as learners and fellow journeyers. You are ever-changing, and so is your sex life. Instead of focusing your expectations on specific goals or outcomes, expect to change, learn, and discover together and enjoy the ride.
4. Address ongoing challenges
Sharing about the challenges is just the first step. If you start to see themes and patterns (some of which will only be clear if you’re talking regularly), it’s time for the two of you to team up to figure out what you can do. Here’s a format you can use:
What is the pattern we’re noticing?
What’s contributing to this challenge?
What feelings come up for each of us as we face this challenge? What do we need from each other to feel cared for and affirmed?
What support, information, or resources are available to us to address it?
What can each of us do to work on this together?
5. Take on the mindset of “different backgrounds, new traditions”
Let’s zoom out again to look at the whole picture.
You’re two individuals, each with a complex background made up of many elements. Your sexual experiences represent only one of these elements. Together, you two are a completely new and unique creation. You each have your own unique mix of backgrounds that you’re now combining together. While you can’t control what is in your past, you can decide what you throw in the mix moving forward.
Let that be a decision and not an accident. You get to decide together what you make of your marriage. What an incredible opportunity. Be purposeful with the ingredients you continue to put into the new creation that is your marriage. Dream together and let your sex life be one of the many areas you build together with purpose.
6. Enjoy your new freedom!
You are free to enjoy one another with no reservations and no limitations. Lean into this and celebrate the unique connection you have together. There’s no other couple quite like you, with your unique personalities, gifts, and strengths. You’re a delightful new combination. Take the good with the bad. Celebrate the good. Work together to problem-solve through the bad. It’s all part of this beautiful and messy process of building intimacy, and you have a lifetime to do it together.
