2. Preparing for Your Wedding Night: For the Couple Without Prior Sexual Experiences
This is for a couple in which neither person has significant prior sexual experiences. I use the word “significant” here, because most of us go into marriage with some level of exposure. Sexual experiences are not black and white. They exist on a vast spectrum from no exposure at all to masturbation and/or pornography use to diverse sexual relationships with others, and everything in between.
As you evaluate how you want to prepare for your wedding night, where you fall on this spectrum comes down to your own perception. It’s not about a label, a degree of severity, or a certain act. Instead, it’s about identifying what has impacted you and what will likely impact your marriage, and taking time to process that together. If a sexual experience feels significant or impactful to you, it is important to process. If exposure has been mild and infrequent, while you certainly have beliefs, attitudes, and feelings about sex to process, you may not have past experiences to discuss.
If you relate to this description, here are some things that will help you create a meaningful and positive wedding night and create positive patterns moving forward into your marriage.
If you haven’t read the previous article, “Before, During, and After Your Wedding Night,” check it out for a little background.
Before
Grow your comfort level and build some knowledge together
If you have had minimal exposure to sexual knowledge and/or sexual touch, you may be experiencing some anxiety or trepidation. Even if you’re not, you don’t know what you don’t know. Gaining some basic knowledge together can make a world of difference. You can be prepared for some of the common issues couples experience, understand what’s normal, and learn some simple things you can do to make this first time comfortable and enjoyable. Your first experience, especially for women, can really impact your physical response moving forward. Educating yourselves a little bit if you haven’t yet can help you start off on the right foot. Be careful about your sources though, and reach out to me if you’d like recommendations for podcasts, videos, blogs, and books.
Plan thoughtfully according to your comfort level
Prepare for the logistics of your wedding night. There’s plenty of time for spontaneity in your future together. The wedding night is probably not the best time for that. Here are some things you can think through ahead of time:
What position will you start with? (this is especially a consideration for the wife, as certain positions will be more comfortable for her the first time)
Where will you be most comfortable physically and psychologically? (Choose a place you know you will not be heard or interrupted)
What will you do to set the mood? (make this night meaningful and memorable!)
When and how will you initiate? (this can eliminate some awkwardness and anxiety)
How will you get started?
How will you clean up after?
What birth control methods will you use? Who is responsible?
The more you know what to expect, the more you can ease any difficult feelings and just enjoy. Plan some things to look forward to as well. Plan as much of the experience as you need to to feel prepared and comfortable.
Talk about expectations and emotions
There should be as many conversations about what is coming up for you in anticipation of your wedding night as you need. Process until you feel at ease.
A great tool for this is the Core Emotion Whee. It is available free to download here: https://www.connectioncodes.co/wheel
This tool can be used to process all 8 of your core emotions regularly, but can also be used specifically focused on your feelings about your wedding night:
Anger - is there any anger that comes up for you when you think about your wedding night? Where is it coming from?
Hurt - are there any painful feelings you experience when you think about your wedding night? What is causing them?
Sad - is there any sadness you feel regarding your wedding night? What are you sad about?
Lonely - is there any loneliness you feel when you think about your wedding night? What is making you feel lonely?
Guilt - do you feel any guilt surrounding your wedding night? What do you feel guilty about?
Shame - is there any shame for you? What about yourself are you feeling ashamed of?
Fear - do you have any fears, worries, concerns, or anxieties about the wedding night? What are you afraid of?
Joy - what joy is coming up for you about the wedding night? What are you excited about and looking forward to?
You might not feel every single one of these, but it’s important to talk about any of them that are present. Any of them that go unspoken can create a barrier to your intimacy, and on the flip side, as you talk about them you will start to build deeper intimacy with one another.
As you share with one another, listen attentively and ask questions to understand what your spouse is sharing. Check with them to make sure they feel understood, and ask them what you can do together to address anything significant they have brought up.
Instructions on using the Core Emotion Wheel can be found at the link above. Coaching is also a great place to practice and learn to use it.
During:
Plan a talk to process your experiences after your first time having sex
Schedule this conversation. It could be shortly after on the same evening, or over breakfast the next morning. Use the Core Emotion Wheel again to talk about what your experience was like.
Follow the same structure of listening, checking for understanding, and addressing concerns.
Be prepared to communicate during intercourse
If either of you experience any physical or emotional pain, bring this up right away so you can adjust and make a plan together moving forward. Pushing through pain will start to create patterns of associating sexual intimacy with pain. Pain does NOT have to be your normal. View it as a barrier to overcome together, and build your intimacy in the process.
Talk ahead of time about how you will indicate if you’re experiencing pain, and how you will talk about what to do next.
Don’t put too much pressure on this night, especially for intercourse
It can be hard to go from 0 to 100. If you’ve stuck closer to the 0 side of things in terms of your physical touch and sexual response, your wedding night might need to include just one next step forward, not one giant leap. That can be a normal part of your physical relationship developing over time.
Instead of limiting your night to or putting pressure on traditional intercourse, think of your evening as building a special sexual experience. That could look many different ways.
If intercourse is too big of a leap all at once mentally, emotionally, or physically, start smaller and work toward building your intimacy more slowly. This might sound unconventional to you, but I have known couples that had trouble consummating their marriage or simply did not feel comfortable to right away. If that turns out to be you, you are not alone.
Again, don’t push through significant pain or discomfort. Remember to have patience and compassion for one another, and if you decide not to have intercourse on your wedding night, process the feelings that come along with that. Go back through the Core Emotion Wheel. There are no right or wrong feelings, only right or wrong ways to care for yourself and each other through them.
Also know that if you don’t have intercourse on your first night as a married couple, that doesn’t mean you can’t still have a meaningful sexual experience. Enjoy each other’s bodies to your preferences and comfort level and then talk about how you can build up toward intercourse over time. This can still be a deeply connecting time.
If the mental, physical, or emotional pain you experience is significant and chronic, and continues to interfere with or prevent intercourse, seek support. Again, reach out to me for referrals and recommendations if you’re not sure where to start. This can be a really sensitive and personal part of you, so you want to make sure you’re well cared for.
After:
Continue to talk about your experiences
Create a norm for talking as things come up. Maybe this looks like setting aside regular times to check in about things, or creating a go-to phrase you use to let one another know you have something to bring up. I have created a tool you can use to brings things up together and talk through the different parts of your sex life. Get in touch if you’d like me to get you set up with that resource.
Address ongoing challenges
Sharing about the challenges is just the first step. If you start to see themes and patterns (some of which will only be clear if you’re talking regularly), it’s time for the two of you to team up to figure out what you can do. Here’s a format you can use:
What is the pattern we’re noticing?
What’s contributing to this challenge?
What feelings come up for each of us as we face this challenge?
What information, resources, or support is available to us to address it?
What can each of us do to work on this together?
Keep learning
I have lots of wonderful resources to connect you with. Give yourself regular inputs of positive sexual messaging and quality information. We receive constant messaging from the world around us, many of which don’t align with a healthy or biblical view of sexuality. Focus your efforts on choosing positive sources of information to fill your mind and heart with.
Keep fighting for integrity
Sexual integrity is a lifelong journey. Now your job is to protect your marriage by keeping your thoughts, affections, and pursuits focused on your spouse alone, and approaching sexual intimacy with them in honoring and loving ways. Your sexual integrity includes your thoughts, words, and actions both inside and outside of your marriage. Keep this a high priority.
Remember that a high-quality and satisfying sex life does not equal an absence of challenges, and challenges do not disqualify you from experiencing a deeply intimate and satisfying sex life. So as the challenges come up, take the opportunities to connect through processing it together. Care for yourself and each other. Seek resources and support.
Developing your sexual relationship for the first time is full of amazing opportunities to connect. Enjoy each one as it comes, being mindful of both of your feelings and experiences, and exploring it all together.
