Why and How to do a Weekly Check-In

Do you want to connect deeply with one another, stay on the same page, learn about each other, resolve issues as they arise, and foster open, transparent communication? Welcome to the Weekly Check-In! 

You might already have your own version of this, but I’d like to share what my husband and I do, encourage you with some of the benefits, and offer some ideas on how to make it happen.

Why do a weekly check-in?

A weekly check-in is a time set aside to communicate with one another about the core areas and current dynamics of your relationship.

It provides a dedicated environment to catch up on the things that can be forgotten, learn about one another, sort through challenges, and connect on deeper levels.

Here are 6 benefits of doing weekly check-ins: 

• 1. Conflict Management

  Check-ins provide a scheduled time in a predictable environment. This allows us to set the tone for the conversation and prepare our own minds for feedback and sensitive topics. Even when our days gets busy or things come up at bad times (like late at night or when we have plans to get to), we know we have a time to talk about them. And as one of those “I want to talk about it RIGHT NOW” people, it also gives me peace of mind to know when a concern will be addressed. 

• 2. Organization and Logistics

  We’ve had moments of realizing one of us made plans and forgot to tell the other, or we double booked ourselves, or have an upcoming decision we forgot to talk about. Check-ins have given us a regular time to get everything on the table and stay caught up with the many logistics of our life. This also frees us up during other times of the week to just connect without feeling like all we talk about is the schedule and to-dos. 

• 3. Accountability

  We use this time to check up on things we’re working on and stay on track. It keeps us moving in our individual and collective goals, keeps our growth top of mind, and provides the opportunity to support each other. As my business-minded husband puts it, “A metric that you track is a metric you can approve.” Our check-ins are what keep us focused on important areas of our relationship, and that’s what keeps us growing and improving.

• 4. Learning

  Several of the questions we talk through enable us to learn about the inner life of each other throughout the past week. I’m often surprised about the new things I continue to learn about my husband. I also start to see themes and patterns for him. If his answers are similar week after week, that tells me something too. It tells me things about his values, fears, dreams, priorities, and struggles. It’s all valuable and creates that time to open up and listen. 

• 5. Listening

  My husband had some insight on this as we talked about our check-ins recently. He pointed out that our check-ins provide regular opportunities to become better listeners, and that is so true. Every single week I know that there is a time coming up that he will share things with me - details that are important for me to remember, and deeply personal things that need to be met with empathy and understanding. Each week we are able to practice listening well in a predictable and safe environment.

• 6. Connection and Intimacy

  There are practical steps that come out of our check-in that bring us closer and deepen intimacy, but the time itself is also wonderfully connecting. We try to maintain physical contact throughout the check in, compliment one another, and work through challenges as a team. All of this strengthens our bond.

What could we include in our weekly check-in?

Is this something you’d like to start trying, recommit to, or revamp? I’ll share with you the list of questions we’ve come up with. Enoch and I co-created this list of questions, and we talk about each one every time we do a check-in. This list has evolved with us, our relationship, and our life. Here is what it is right now: 

• How can I pray for you this week?

  We share our prayers requests and write them down on a running list in a shared document. As we talk about this question, we also follow up with one another on past requests. 

• How has your time with the Lord been and what has He been teaching you?

  This is our time to share what the Lord has had on our minds and hearts, and how we’ve been connecting with him lately. 

• What have you been struggling with?

  We use this time to talk about everything from habits we’re trying to form, fears that have been weighing on us, relationships that have been difficult, temptations or destructive behaviors we’re trying to break, stressors and pressures, and juggling priorities. We follow up by asking, “how can I support you?”

• Is there anything you haven't had the chance to talk to me about yet?

  This question tends to center around logistics. An event or get-together we’d like to get on the calendar, an upcoming purchase we’re considering, a decision we’re trying to make. But it can also go deeper like something interesting we’ve learned, or something significant going on we’d like the other person to know about.

• What is on the schedule this week?

  This one is usually quick and to the point, and allows us to get on the same page with what we have going on in the week and plan ahead for priorities that don’t have a place yet. We’ll usually plan our next date night during this time as well. 

• How are we doing with the budget? What do we need to adjust?

  At this point, we open up our budget together and look over it to see what we’re on track with and what we need to watch. It allows us a predictable time to be fully transparent with our finances and stay on track. During our first check-in of each month we look at the entire month in review, making sure everything’s accounted for, manage our saving and financial goals, and plan ahead for any changes that need to happen in the upcoming month. This has made unity around finances so much easier for us. 

• What did we do well this week that we want to keep doing? What do we want to adjust? 

  This is open-ended to include whatever our current goals and projects are. Some of the things we’ve talked about during this time over the years include sleep, nutrition, spending, sex, communication, and time management. It’s all about what your priorities are as a couple, how you want to improve, and how you’re doing. We use this time to celebrate wins, keep up momentum on things that are going well, and prioritize things that have been neglected. 

• Core Emotion Wheel

  This is a tool from Connection Codes. It’s a quick 4-minute exercise that allows us to keep current with one another on our inner and emotional landscape. We get to share with each other what has been activating anger, hurt, sadness, loneliness, guilt, shame, fear, and joy. It’s such good practice that allows us to communicate better throughout the week when things come up in the moment, and is really connecting as we attune to one another. If you’re interested in incorporating this practice together, you can find the tool at https://www.connectioncodes.co/wheel 

• What concerns do you have? What feels unresolved to you? 

  This question is focused on our relationship. If there is anything that has continued to weigh on us or feels unsettled, we talk about it now. If there is anything ongoing or that has come up in the past week, we get to share about it, hear each other’s perspectives, care for one another’s emotions, and work toward solutions together. 

• How are you feeling about our sex life? 

  During this time we share what we feel is going well and any concerns or desires we have for our intimacy. As with all of the questions, any significant points are recorded in our shared document. If there’s anything we want to implement from our discussion, it gets written down and we can check in with each other about it next time we talk. This question keeps us purposeful and unified with our sexual intimacy. We get to be honest about any barriers we’re facing, prioritize it amongst the busyness of life, and make room for spontaneity and exploration. 

• What do you need right now? What do you feel our marriage needs? 

  If there’s anything that has felt like it’s missing lately for either of us, we get to share it. If we’re doing our check-in regularly, we never go more than a week without knowing this about each other, and that is a powerful protective measure for our marriage.

• How can I love you better this week?

  I write down both of our answers to this question so we can look back at it and keep it in mind, and check in the next week 

• Name something we’re thankful for about one another from this past week 

  We end with some encouragement and building up of one another. It’s a sweet way to wrap up our conversation. 

Alright. There’s a reason I titled this section “what *could* we include in our weekly check-in?” 

This is a long list. And many of these questions can take a long time to talk through, depending on what’s going on lately.

So, confession time: we do not follow this perfectly. We too have weeks that get really busy and we struggle to find the time. We start and then get interrupted, or have to stop because we run out of time. Or, the real kicker: we start the conversation with great intentions and find ourselves in a fight instead…ouch. 

So use this list as a source of ideas, and then find your own rhythms. It’s a process to incorporate this, and a weekly choice to prioritize it together. There are a lot of ways to do this, and the fun part is finding rhythms and rituals that are unique and meaningful to the two of you. Next are some ideas on what it could look like for you.

How do we incorporate a weekly check-in?

You’ve got the why and the what, and I’d like to give you a few tips on the how.

• Set aside the same time weekly - it could be a lunch hour that lines up, a morning, an evening, after the kids have gone to bed. 

• Choose a time you both tend to be alert and energized - our marriage includes one morning person and one night owl, so it has taken some adjustment to figure out what’s best for both of us!

• Choose a time you are least likely to be interrupted or on a time crunch - we’re still figuring this one out, and it changes all the time. We adjust with it and hold this loosely, knowing there’s never a perfect time or a perfect check-in. The point is to connect and communicate.

• Set your environment - as you do this, consider how to minimize distractions and make a space that you both feel comfortable sharing

• Create a place to keep a running list of things that come up during the week that you’d like to talk about in the next check in, answers during your check-in that you want to remember, and things to implement in the coming week. We use a shared document online, but you could use a notebook, a whiteboard, whatever works for you.

• Create your own unique list of questions - our list has evolved over time. We’ve added in questions that have become important, reworded them to foster the best conversations, and eliminated ones that ended up feeling redundant or unnecessary.  

• Ask follow-up questions - this helps your spouse feel heard and understood, especially if they’ve shared something really personal or significant.

• Fine-tune your timing - if your time constraints make it challenging to get through the whole list, pare it down to the essentials, split the questions up into groups to rotate through each month, talk about one question per day, each pick the 3 most relevant questions each time, or try incorporating it into a routine you already have in place if it lends itself well.

  When we were training for our marathon, we had a strict training schedule that included long weekend runs. Those often doubled as our check-ins during that season. If multi-tasking works for you and still allows for open and meaningful conversation and you don’t find yourself too distracted, by all means, do what you need to to make it happen. 

• Make this accessible - if you can get to one question every week, do one question, and celebrate the fact that you are connecting with purpose. The point is not getting through all the questions, but being more purposeful and unified in your relationship. 

• Make it unique to you - if you find your check-ins feeling redundant or forced, switch things up and find what works for you. Don’t be afraid to change the routine. The whole point is to connect, so if it’s not working, try something else.

  Think about what would make each of you feel connected at the end of it and tailor the entire process to each of you. Physical touch is really connecting for me, so we try to stay in contact throughout our check-in. Enoch, the dynamic visionary, loves sharing his dreams and ideas. So even if the conversations seems like it’s taking all sorts of rabbit trails, I love that he’s sharing those parts of himself with me, and try to make space for him to do that.

• Stay open and flexible - my husband and I are wired differently. Our check-ins have helped us create a shared language and bridge the gap between our differences, but we still have our own preferences, strengths, and weaknesses. Be patient with each other when conversations don’t go as planned or one of you tends to not have as much to talk about. Staying open to one another and flexible with this process sometimes means skipping a question, accepting a short answer, allowing time to think, and creating a no-pressure space.

• Trust the process and remember the purpose - sometimes these check-ins will feel fun and connecting and sometimes they’ll feel mundane. Enoch’s take on that is that it’s important to have these things out in the open rather than come up at a time we’re not at our best or prepared to handle it. Check-ins take out the element of surprise, and that’s a good thing. The time you invest in this is strengthening, building, and maintaining your relationship, even when you don’t see the fruit yet.

• Take the pressure off - Enoch says it best: don’t be afraid to try it. You’ve got nothing to lose. There’s no pressure to keep doing it or keep doing it a certain way.

So what do you think?

What’s one thing you could implement into your weekly rhythms?

What could it do for you and your marriage?

If you’ve already been doing something like this, what benefits have you seen in your marriage?